Yesterday was my birthday. This little “angel” kept telling me to “throw my hands up in the air and wave ’em around like you just don’t care.” Yes. that song.
Since 2009, I have been somewhat of a broken bird. People I loved were going through such terrible inner sufferings and I didn’t know how to help them and when the suffering took its toll on me, I didn’t know how to help me. I pulled back from friendships and kept a few close relationships. The close relationships were the “safe” ones.
As things got worse I would bring it to God’s attention that things were bad and his attention to my needs would be most appreciated. I may have offered to go to church to show how serious my need was. Things got worse. I thought, what did I do? I have been good. Even when no one knows, I do the extra good. I love my neighbor. I am the peacemaker. Maybe I don’t go to church all the time because I can’t focus and I don’t know that many people there. They are cliquish anyway and I don’t want them in my business. I can follow God’s laws and be a good person. So, God, we have been talking more than usual so could you please put my husband back together? Fix my sons. Please please bless my father and let him into your kingdom. I think he might be waiting in purgatory. Things spiraled out of control and continued to get worse. I was finally broken.
When there was a glimmer of light, I went for it. It took me three ACTS retreats, once as a retreatant and twice to serve, to really learn to open up again. I can’t disclose anything about the retreats. Last year, I served on teams for the second time during my birthday. My life has not been the same. I love God above all. I cannot wait to spend time with God either through adoration, praising him at mass, or through my time with him during prayer. I am still learning how to be still and listen. I ask him to reveal what he needs me to do. I read about the Saints who went through tremendous sufferings and loved God through it all. Sorry, I don’t mean to give a list of what I do. This is only for God to know. My love comes from him and my heart is full. Tough days are still around but he has blessed me through each struggle and he guides me ahead.
Yesterday, we went to the park to celebrate my birthday. Beautiful and blessed is how God made me feel. My five-year old granddaughter was in the backseat of my car. We had the sunroof open on a sunny afternoon. She told me that Jesus was in her heart. “Sing Lola!” “Wave your hands up in the air. Wave ’em around like you just don’t care!”
P.S. Today I will get to see my ACTS Sisters for a reunion.